2nd Master Cleanse: Days 33 + 36 – Farmer Giles and How Minimise Weight Lose during the Master Cleanse.

partyongarthDay 33 – 5th Feb 2014
Oooooooooooouch! Today was crappy. Farmer Giles arrived today. Or I should say one whooper came to town. Big as a gobstopper. Fucking massive and it fucking hurts. Reminds me what fun this is. Reminds me what this is all about: getting the toxins out! No reason to panic, no, no. No need to rush to any doctors, everything is mentally under-control. Piles only come to town when I have bucket loads of toxins coming out. And don’t last that long usually: a week maybe? Hopefully. So I’m actually happy. Happy they are exiting. But it bloody hurts. Oooooouch!

Ok, it doesn’t that hurt much. Not like breaking a leg, or cutting yourself deep, or banging your head on the overhead fan in the kitchen. Hurts like having huge marbles stuffed in your ring. I’m mincing around the office, wincing and trying to hide it. Makes you think about bum cancer too. Bloody hemorrhoids. It is complicated by dumping 5-10 times a day too. Not wildly pleasant, but I have found one of the few benefits of not having a solid for 33 days! Nice! Talking of BM’s: I still got heaps of weird algae flushing out. Where the hell does it come from? Day 33 and it’s still steaming out. Tongue remains thickly coated in gunk. I am brushing three times a day but the fluff and taste is awful.

Another day in paradise!

January passed in a blur. Where does the time go? I fasted for the whole month. In fact the Master Cleanse is not technically a fast. Technically it is a mono-diet. Fasting would be water only. Anyways, whatever.

Oh yeah. I had a word with myself and decided to go the full whack: 40 days here we come. 40 days and 40 nights is the maximum permitted time under Stanley Burroughs regime. I decided since I am 30 days in, I might as well for the big 4-0. Day 33 today and those toxins are still flooding out of me. It’s not like they have slowed or stopped.

I am in this to better my health, but I am bored of it now. Bored of missing my food. Not really hungry, just bored. Work is a little intense too: glued to the desk all day, late home every night. Unsurprisingly for the time of year; its freezing cold and pissing with rain. Olde Londonium town at it’s most miserable.

Day 8th feb – Day 36

How not to lose weight on the Master Cleanse.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say. I figured out a way to sort out the weight loss problem. I really don’t like losing the weight because I am so damn skinny. It has been kinda getting to me a little. Reminds of the bad old days. That’s why I nearly stopped on day 30, but I found the perfect solution. I have already been adding more maple syrup to the MC drink, and that’s helped a little I suppose, but I started skinny and whatever I do, I’m gonna end skinnier! According to the MC rules, weight loss is not supposed to be a problem because you will regain the weight afterwards. Regain the lost weight, minus the toxins you shed, leaving one happy and healthy, but it does get me down being so skeletal.

So yeah, the perfect solution to my excessive weight loss: I opened my bathroom window wide up. I picked up my bathroom scales, stepped back, and held them just behind my head. I took a sharp intake of breath and stepped forward and with as much force as I could muster, chucked the bloody scales out of the window. They sailed through the air, over my green slimed patio, over my mossy grass, over my herb patch and smashed into a million pieces against the oak tree in my garden. Ka-pow! Glass, plastic and metal rained down in a shower of debris. Satisfied I carefully removed each fragment, with tweezers for the fiddly bits, and ethically disposed of everything into the correct recycling bins. Job done!

Metaphorically speaking that is. In reality I just carefully tucked my scales behind the laundry basket in my bathroom. Out of sight and out of mind. No actual need to destroy anything at all. That would be foolish and a waste. It’s just a state of mind. I just decided to not weigh myself and so hence to not worry about it. Smacked myself around the chops too and told myself to stop being a pussy. The weight will all come back anyways. I am in this for the detox, everything else is just wet blankets, red trousers, pashmina’s, shirts that button up the wrong way round and getting eyelashes flicked around in your eye and making a real fanny-hash about it.

My grapes are retreating too. Happy dayz!

I am chilly, metabolism is low and I am hunkering down and keeping warm. I am not exactly glowing, I am exactly detoxing. Glowing will happen when the detox stops.

Life continues pretty much unchanged though. Work is fine. Yoga is a bit on and off. The previous week I practised everyday, this week, what with Farmer Giles around, I did none at all. That’s ok. Goes with the territory.

Last weekend I went to a friend’s house. He turned his pad into a massive nightclub. Lights, cameras, action, DJ’s and pumping tunes all night long. I danced all night too. A right little raver! Even found myself up on the podium for the last hour dressed in fancy dress: funky hat, glasses and bling jewellery. All whilst fasting too. Happy dayz! Thats how I roll! Really brings back the glory dayz! I was always a podium man, my natural habitat while partying – and old habits die hard! Respect Andy! Awesome party dude!

Tonight I’m out again. Going to Brixton Academy to see Tom Odell in concert with my 13 year old daughter. No, I’ve never heard of him either. Some 22 year old musical prodigy. Plays the piano. Won some Brit award last year. He’s been gigging with Elton John and the Rolling Stones last year, so he must be a lad. He did Glastonbury too. Respect. Just watched a little clip and an interview of him. Seems like a nice clean living young chap. Should be a cool evening. Never let a hardcore mega detox get in the way of life. Anything is possible!

Four days to go until I finished. The BIG 4-0: God and I am sooooooooo looking forward to eating again! I am gonna eat like a KING when this is all done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s gonna be BIBLICAL!

That’s all folks!

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